for starters , a lot. i’m feeling like everything i do is somehow being scrutinized or watched too closely. i’ve encountered some financial setbacks n it’s affected my mental health pretty bad. i pushed away most of my friends bc i’m sad. like im not letting anyone rlly know what i’m going thru bc the very idea of it makes me uncomfy. i have feelings for someone i shouldn’t that don’t even rlly have a basis. at this moment i don’t wanna focus on anyone. i would like to live autonomously , but not in this setting. i know exactly what i want n i have for yrs , but i’m afraid of impressions n looks due to it. as much as i shut out thinking abt things , it’s just gotten worse. the only good thing is that im running again. i just feel like it’s all linked to being my fault somehow. currently it’s 4:01am n it’s like i’m being riddled w an anxiety that doesn’t have a direct root. i think the main thing is i feel stuck in this indecision of compromising my overwhelmingly stubborn pride for some sense of peace or close to it. i want one good thing to happen. haven’t had that for months.

sorry that was a lot